Cutting The Fat

I thought it would be a good idea to start a blog about my weight loss journey, instead of posting all about it here. So, feel free to check that one out.

http://cutting-the-fat.blogspot.com/

I won't be that person.

I was watching TV this afternoon, a show about a 'retirement home' where morbidly obese people go when they can no longer take care of themselves. Andover Village, I think it was called. The narrator on the show said that the average weight of it's patients' is 500 pounds. That's 226 kilograms!

I think I've seen the show before, because it seemed somewhat familiar. I don't know if I just wasn't paying attention then or I just didn't care, but this time it really hit me. If I don't get healthy now, start eating right and actually taking care of myself, eventually I will probably end up like that. And I don't want that. I'm a fairly independent person and the thought of being so massive that I can't take care of myself? Its.. well.. not something I want to happen.

I already have type two diabetes, which leaves me at risk of so many other problems already, which you think would have been enough to make me wake up to myself and realise what I've been doing to myself, and it was for a while. I was diagnosed when I was 15. I made big changes, lost a lot of weight and for a while everything was ok again. Then once I hit VCE, everything changed back. I didn't have time to get out and exercise every day, let alone the energy to. So I put back on all the weight I'd lost, plus about an extra six kilos.

I can't let myself die this way. I can accept the inevitable fact that one day I will die (that's not to say it doesn't scare me silly), but I won't let it be like this. Because if I keep going down this road, eventually I will die, probably prematurely, of something related to diabetes or just the fact I'm obese.

But that's not going to be me. Not any more. From here on in, everything's going to change.

I miss the way things used to be.

It's funny, even though I've started taking really positive steps in my life and making goals towards becoming happy and healthier, I find myself missing the way things used to be. I'm changing as a person, and I know it's a good thing but it's going to take some getting used to. I mean, sure the old me was anti-social, had low self esteem and was just generally unhappy with herself and life, but it was me, you know? Although it wasn't a very healthy image, I felt like I knew who I was. And now, I have no idea. I've hidden behind all my problems for years and it's hard to get out of that and get used to becoming someone new.
On the other hand, I'm really excited to be starting all these new things. I'm on a new diet, I've started karate and I feel like I'm finally taking control over my own life. And that does feel good.

But right now, I don't think even a staircase of positive steps could stop me missing how things were. One corner of my bedroom wall is pretty much covered to the ceiling in memories. Photos, movie tickets, movie posters. Every time I look at it, I'm reminded of school and my friends; and how much I know I'm going to miss it in years to come.

But everything changes eventually, right? Just gotta deal with it, I guess.