i don't write anymore.

i haven't written anything since april. i used to spend hours sitting in front of my computer or with a notebook.. typing or scribbling away and making poetry. i used to find inspiration in everything.

it's like the words just aren't there. i miss writing. it was my release. and without it, i feel like i'm missing part of who i am.

maybe it's just me changing and growing up? maybe that's part of me that i'm leaving behind as i get older.

i hope not.

Changing Ways

Another new song! This one is one I've been working on for about a week, finished it just before I had to leave for work. I'm pretty happy with this one as well. :)
Let me know what you think!


I was never the girl that stood out from the crowd;
sat back and watched,
refused to be loud.
I was never the girl who could light up a room;
but all that's gonna change soon.

[CHORUS]
I'm gonna let them see who I am inside;
let my hair down,
swallow my pride.
I won't live like this any longer;
changing ways will make me stronger,
stronger, yeah.

I'm know gonna change the world one day;
gonna speak up,
gonna have my say.
Gonna leave my past where it belongs,
I'll be the one i knew that i'd be all along

[CHORUS]
I'm gonna let them see who I am inside;
let my hair down,
swallow my pride.
I won't live like this any longer;
changing ways will make me stronger,
stronger, yeah.

So I'll hold on, just a little bit longer;
stop hoping, start believing
like they told me to.
I'm gonna be someone you're proud to say,
“she's mine”

[CHORUS]
I've let them see who I am inside;
let my hair down,
I swallowed my pride.
I'm not living like that any longer;
changing ways has make me stronger,
stronger, yeah.

Reason To Live

I've developed a new love for songwriting. I never really could get into it when I was younger, but now it seems easier than writing anything else. If only I could find someone who could help me write music for them.
Anyway. Would love to hear what you all think of the new song. I'm pretty happy with it, to be honest. :)


I was never a believer
in love at first sight,
but baby, I gotta tell you
I fell so hard that night.
Your smile, your eyes
they had me mesmerized
left me wanting more.

[CHORUS]
I was searching for a reason to live,
and now here you are.
With your big brown eyes, your shaggy hair,
and your fancy car.
I was searching for a reason to live,
and now here you are.
You swept me off my feet,
you are my shining star

We went out to dinner, just me and you
in the candle light.
We were talking, we were laughing
baby, it felt so right.
You made me feel alive again
like no-one could.

[CHORUS]

I fell in love with you in just one night
underneath the stars.
You sang to me and played a song
on your guitar.
Never felt so close to anyone
before I met you.

I was searching for a reason to live,
and now here you are...

Music rant!

Okay - so I don't pretend to be some sort of music snob or whatever you want to call it. But there is one thing that REALLY gets up my nose.

Dance/techno singers covering AMAZING country songs, making them into techno-y crap. What bugs me even more is that people who say they HATE country music, love all the dance/techno covers. I'm not saying all techno is bad. I like some of it. I'm just saying COUNTRY SONGS SHOULD NOT BE TURNED INTO TECHNO DANCE CRAP!

I love country music. I like it when song lyrics actually have meaning. You can tell that country artists really feel what they are singing. But when other artists decide to turn it into a dance song, even if the lyrics are the same, the feeling is gone.

Examples:
Concrete Angel - Martine McBride (ORIGINAL SONG)
Concrete Angel - DJ Boonie (COVER)

What Hurts The Most - Rascal Flatts (ORIGINAL SONG)
What Hurts The Most - Cascada (COVER)

These are two of my favourite songs ever, every time I listen to them I get chills up my spine. That's what good music should do. But every time I listen to the covers - I want to vomit a little. They take all the beauty.. all the emotion out of the song.

Okay, there's my music rant. :)

Jonas Brothers! :)

So, I'm sure most of the people who read this blog (if anyone still reads it.. i know it's been a while since I posted!) don't care about the Jonas Brothers, or hate them.. or whatever.
But I like them, and I made a fan video for them, with the help of the members of the Australian FFE Team (www.fanfamilyexperience.com)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v4Bznv6j5Kw



Just thought I'd post it here. :)

My Desk Space

Here's a little meme that I got from Paul, to post a picture of my desk. Now, before I go on, my wall is as much as part of my desk as the computer is - I spend a lot of time just staring at the photos, reminiscing, I guess. As you can see, I love photos! Actually, I just love anything I can stick to the wall. There's postcards, movie tickets, inspiration quotes as well as a fair few "lolcats" (I can't help but love them!). I feel the need to post a picture of the rest of the other wall, just so you can see how awesome it really is, haha.

There are more things to the right, but mostly just posters of bands and stuff. Anyway, onto the desk itself.

The little teddy bear in the corner was a gift from a friend, and among my hundreds of stuffed animals, (no, I'm not kidding, there really is hundreds of them. Maybe I'll post some pictures of them one day) this one stood out and took it's place on my desk. The heart is attached by a magnet, it's really cute!
There isn't a lot to tell about the rest of it. There's my CDs (which is a very small collection actually, but I'm working on fixing that!). My computer is open on one of the two things that're always running, iTunes (the other is photoshop). And my iPod is plugged into the computer as well.

So, if it isn't obvious, the use of my computer relates around two main subjects - music and photos.

Now, it's 2.30am, I'm pretty sure I should be asleep!

Fake Your Way Through It.

It's been such a long time since I've written anything, that it sort of surprised me when inspiration struck last night to write a song, of all things. I've never written a full song in my life. I love music, but when it comes to playing instruments or singing.. well.. lets just say I'd have your earplugs on standby if I were ever to sing. So that's why I've never really gotten into songwriting.

But last night, I was reading something online when I read the words "Fake your way through this" and for some reason, that is what inspired me to write a song. It's not perfect, because I know nothing about the technicalities of songwriting but for a first attempt, I'm pretty happy with it.

What's annoying me is I have a tune in my head for it, but I can't sing, and I can't play an instrument so I don't know how to get that tune out of my head and onto paper, I guess.

Anyway, here's the song. Let me know what you think. (I'm sure there's a fair few grammar mistakes, it's late and my brain isn't working the way it should be, so feel free to point out anything like that!)

[Verse 1]
You're working as a checkout chick
in your local supermarket;
When you notice
everything has changed -
Your best friend is no longer there
Your boyfriend doesn't seem to care about you.

[Chrous]
You gotta smile baby,
Fake your way through it.
Smile baby,
pretend that you've got it
Smile baby,
Don't ever let them see you crying.

[Verse 2]
You've finally finished school at last,
Say goodbye to all your past
and hello
to your future.
You don't know where it's gonna take you
But you're not gonna let it break you down.

[Chorus]

[Bridge]
Cry yourself to sleep at night,
Hug your teddy bear real tight
Just don't let them see you do it, tonight.

[Verse 3]
You're in LA tryin' to make it,
Your agent says you gotta fake it,
Cover up those flaws with makeup,
Just a little more with photoshop.
They don't wanna know you
They just wanna sell you to the world

[Chorus]
[Bridge]

And here's number three.

So, as I said in a post a few weeks back - bad things often come in threes. So, after I lost my wallet and my phone breaking, I'd been waiting for the third thing to rear it's ugly head. And finally, it has.

My computer crashed on me last week. So I've been without a proper computer for a week. That I can deal with, I've been using my Mum's (that she never uses too much anyway). Dad took it into work with him to try and figure out what the problem was. Today he told me that it was ok, apart from a few little things that don't really impact on me using it. So that was all good.
Then he tells me I've lost whatever was on one of my drives. He tells me which drive it is and I realise it's the one with all my photos on it.

Three years, thousands of photos. Gone. Photos from my deb, rock to reef, the last few days of school and everything else I've taken photos of in the last three years. All gone. Just like that. Dad keeps insisting it's just stuff; but it's not. My photos are my memories.

Of course I had to lose one of the only things on that computer actually meant something to me. I mean, I would have been upset if it was my music that I'd lost - but at least they can be replaced easily enough. Photos can't.

Excuse the language but - FUCK!

Going to my first concert - alone!

I've been a fan of Taylor Swift since I heard her first single "Tim McGraw" on the Country Music Channel. Back then (I'm only talking the start of 2008 here.. Maybe late 2007) no one else had even heard of her.

Now that she's a huge star in America and people are finally starting to notice her over here as well, she's doing a tour! Originally, I wasn't going to go. Mostly because I couldn't afford it, and I had no one to go with. So I left it. Then I decided I still wanted to go, with or without company. I went to ticketek, but all the tickets were sold out. So I wasn't happy, because I thought I'd missed my chance.

Last night, I was looking around some websites and I found the website of the venue where the concert is being held. It never even occured to me that they would sell tickets to shows (because I'm smart like that.). But I saw that they still had some left!

I thought "Why the hell not?" and decided to take a risk and buy one. But I'm still a bit worried. While I'm quite happy doing things on my own, I've never been to a concert before so I don't really know what to expect.

Am I crazy for going by myself??

Bad things come in threes.. (+Danny Bhoy)

So, Tuesday. I lost my wallet. I ripped apart the whole house to try and find it. In things, on things, under things, behind things. Everywhere you can think of, I looked for it. I rang every place I'd been in the last few days since I last remember having it. No one has seen it. I rang the police, no one has handed it in.
So I'm working under the assumption that I'm never going to see the thing again. I guess I'm just lucky that I didn't have any credit cards of cash in there at the moment. But that doesn't mean it still doesn't suck. I had my bank card, my learner's permit, medicare card and a bunch of other things that I really don't want to have to replace. But now I don't really have a choice.
Also means I had to buy a new wallet, which I didn't want to do because I was rather attached to the one I had. It was just perfect for all my stuff. But now I have to get a new one. Oh yay.
I'm kicking myself because I'm usually so careful with it and I don't know where I could have lost it.

Friday. I get a phone call. I answer it, but then realise I can't actually hear what they're saying. They can hear me, but I can't hear them. I take it into the shop, to see what they can do about it. They take a look at it, tell me they have to send it away to get it fixed and it'll take about two weeks. Ok i can deal with that.

They give me a replacement phone to use in the meantime. But it wasn't charged so I got home to charge it and it doesn't even fucking work. So now I have no phone at all. My mum was nice enough to let me use her phone though. But still, that's not really the point. I've barely had this phone for 6 months and it's already broken twice now.

But people always say that bad things always come in threes. So right now, I'm waiting for the third thing. I wish it would hurry up so I can get it over with.

That's my rant for the day. I know I haven't posted much in the last few weeks, but.. well.. I'm pretty sure like no one even reads this so I'm not sure anyway cares.

IN OTHER NEWS! I went and saw Danny Bhoy's show tonight. It was fantastic. Tom Gleeson was the supporting act, and I just love him, he's always funny. I got my ticket signed (because I had no money to buy a DVD) by them both, and a picture with both of them too! I look disgusting in the picture, but I don't mind so much because of who it's with!

Anyway, goodnight!

Cutting The Fat

I thought it would be a good idea to start a blog about my weight loss journey, instead of posting all about it here. So, feel free to check that one out.

http://cutting-the-fat.blogspot.com/

I won't be that person.

I was watching TV this afternoon, a show about a 'retirement home' where morbidly obese people go when they can no longer take care of themselves. Andover Village, I think it was called. The narrator on the show said that the average weight of it's patients' is 500 pounds. That's 226 kilograms!

I think I've seen the show before, because it seemed somewhat familiar. I don't know if I just wasn't paying attention then or I just didn't care, but this time it really hit me. If I don't get healthy now, start eating right and actually taking care of myself, eventually I will probably end up like that. And I don't want that. I'm a fairly independent person and the thought of being so massive that I can't take care of myself? Its.. well.. not something I want to happen.

I already have type two diabetes, which leaves me at risk of so many other problems already, which you think would have been enough to make me wake up to myself and realise what I've been doing to myself, and it was for a while. I was diagnosed when I was 15. I made big changes, lost a lot of weight and for a while everything was ok again. Then once I hit VCE, everything changed back. I didn't have time to get out and exercise every day, let alone the energy to. So I put back on all the weight I'd lost, plus about an extra six kilos.

I can't let myself die this way. I can accept the inevitable fact that one day I will die (that's not to say it doesn't scare me silly), but I won't let it be like this. Because if I keep going down this road, eventually I will die, probably prematurely, of something related to diabetes or just the fact I'm obese.

But that's not going to be me. Not any more. From here on in, everything's going to change.

I miss the way things used to be.

It's funny, even though I've started taking really positive steps in my life and making goals towards becoming happy and healthier, I find myself missing the way things used to be. I'm changing as a person, and I know it's a good thing but it's going to take some getting used to. I mean, sure the old me was anti-social, had low self esteem and was just generally unhappy with herself and life, but it was me, you know? Although it wasn't a very healthy image, I felt like I knew who I was. And now, I have no idea. I've hidden behind all my problems for years and it's hard to get out of that and get used to becoming someone new.
On the other hand, I'm really excited to be starting all these new things. I'm on a new diet, I've started karate and I feel like I'm finally taking control over my own life. And that does feel good.

But right now, I don't think even a staircase of positive steps could stop me missing how things were. One corner of my bedroom wall is pretty much covered to the ceiling in memories. Photos, movie tickets, movie posters. Every time I look at it, I'm reminded of school and my friends; and how much I know I'm going to miss it in years to come.

But everything changes eventually, right? Just gotta deal with it, I guess.